


Metal Rambo Madoka - Time of Wishes and Dreams

by MarsDragon



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Metal Gear, Rambo: The Force of Freedom, Uchu Senkan Yamato | Space Battleship Yamato (2010)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Asexuality, Bagels, Crossover, Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Man-wrestling, Muscles, Saraba chikyuu yo....
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3623169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsDragon/pseuds/MarsDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rambo and Snake team up to take down General Warhawk and his resurrected (again) Yamato! Meanwhile, Kyubey appears before Paz! What will happen when Homura joins MSF?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [badficromance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/badficromance/gifts).



> Associated art that I swear I didn't make a friend do and then didn't credit them in the second chapter

Paz was sitting in her room on Mother Base, thinking about how dumb all the soldiers were. They were organizing another soccer match, as if she cared. She was just spying on them! That’s all! She didn’t want to play soccer! 

She turned away from the window and flopped down on the hard, tacky bed. She needed to come out at some point, otherwise Kaz would come in and play guitar at her until she gave in. So she needed to get up -

“Hello there.”

She immediately punched the white cat-thing sitting on her bed. “What are you doing here?!”

The white thing was completely unfazed. “I’m Kyubey. I can grant your wishes. Do you have any you want granted?” 

A wish? A wish to destroy Mother Base! A wish to destroy the entire, stupid, revolting, energetic enterprise! A wish she could more than solve for herself when she finally took command of Metal Gear ZEKE and ruined Big Boss! He might’ve taken down the Shagohod, and Metal Gear RAXA, and the AIs, and Peacewalker with nothing more than a rocket launcher while on foot, but she’d win! For sure! “I don’t need your stupid wish! I’m PACIFICA OCEAN, the expert spy who trained for decades-”

“Wait, decades?” The cat thing tilted its head. “How old are you?”

“I’m 25! I mean, 27!” She abruptly remembered her cover. “I mean, 16. 14. That’s right.”

“....fuck.” Kyubey lowered its head and jumped into one of the boxes Snake left around everywhere. The box said “Only dumb assholes get in this box” on its side. It looked like the cat-thing was hiding. 

Paz sat back on the bed. It didn’t look like Kyubey was going away, just hiding. How annoying.

Snake walked in. “Paz...do you know about a place named Tierra Libre? Wait, is that a cat? Is it yours?”

“No, not at all. He just appeared.”

Snake walked over and grabbed Kyubey before stuffing it in his mouth. “Mmmmm….tasty.” 

Excellent stamina recovery!

\---

“...so we’ll be going in to rescue this little country. It’s a good opportunity for MSF. It looks like Warhawk’s private army is attacking them. I hear they’ve raised the Yamato again, this time retrofitted with Wave Motion technology. If we can disable the Yamato, we might be able to get some good R&D materials too! It’s a huge opportunity!”

“Hmmmm….” Snake half-listened to Miller prattle on with half an ear. This new girl - a schoolgirl? On the battlefield? Maybe she’d get along well with Chico, show him how to handle things. Kid was a great scout, but a terrible fighter. This Homura was S-ranked in combat, he wouldn’t be going down the line and firing her. 

“And there’s a huge reward! The president will be paying us the big bucks! I’m telling you Boss, we’ve got to take this job!”

“Eh, sure. Got no reason to turn them down.” Warhawk was an old opponent, not able to move with the times - the times they all opposed. The greatest enemy of all - the New York Times. 

“But, one thing….you’ll have to work with someone else for this mission.”

“I work alone.” Snake crunched on a Dorito, his own invention.

“It’s a requirement, Boss. But don’t worry, this guy shouldn’t slow you down. He’s named Rambo…” 

\---

Rambo stood watching over the bay of Tierra Libre, his headband and muscles flowing in the wind. The Yamato was hanging here, a direct rebellion against man and God, floating unsupported in the air like….like something floating unsupported in the air. He had to stop it. They’d been given three days to surrender, better than the last time Warhawk had raised the Yamato. But if he fired the Wave Motion Gun...it was all over for Tierra Libre. His anachronistic cell phone rang.

“BAGEL!” The distinctive voice of his best friend, Colonel Trautman-Campbell, filled his ears. “GET ME BAGEL!”

“On it, sir!” He knew what Trautman-Campbell wanted - Bagel was his code name for RAMBO. Also bagels. 

“Rambo, we’ve hired MSF to help defend Tierra Libre! Go meet with Snake, now!”

“I don’t need anyone but myself, Colonel! Just me, and K.A.T, and Turbo, and White Dragon, and-”

“GET TO THE BAKERY AND MEET WITH SNAKE AND GET ME A BAGEL, BAGEL.”

Rambo had no choice. He kicked a soccer ball to a grateful child, then slumped down the hill. Behind him, Goku landed in the dust, and having nothing to do with this fic, flew away.

Rambo walked in the bakery and ordered 24 bagels for Trautman-Campbell, plus a chocolate croissant for himself. He ate the croissant and looked around. A Snake...he needed to find a Snake.

“Ha!”

Rambo jumped away from the swift attack, then found himself thrown to the floor! He turned the throw into a sweep kick and knocked the mysterious ass down, only to find a gun pointed at him. “You’re pretty good.” The one-eyed man looked at him.

“Kept you waiting, huh? So you’re Snake. Or is it….Big Boss.” 

“I’m Snake. Until I get mad about a computer. Then everyone will forget I’m Big Boss again because Snake is more marketable. Hi. We’re here to take down a madman. I do that every other Saturday.”

“I take down one madman who comes back every other Saturday. I’m Rambo. I like your headband.” Both their headbands flowed in the wind inside the bakery. Their manly gazes met and smouldered, baking in the hot sun like pastries. the light glinted off Rambo’s hard, bare, muscles and Snake’s perfectly form-fitting sneaking suit, which rode directly up his butt. It was completely manly and completely non-sexual. 

“Let’s sneak on to the Yamato, then disable the engines and blow it up with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. Our mission: to destroy the Yamato. The mission is the most important thing, you must never forget your mission…” He had a flashback full of Shinakawa art of him fighting The Boss in a field of white flowers where she always said the same thing and he always failed the QTE prompt. 

“Agreed! But we can’t kill anyone, no matter how much we shoot them!” Rambo never killed anyone. Rambo 3 was full of lies and was too deeply uncomfortable for a post-9/11 world. I mean seriously have you seen that movie recently it is the craziest shit. 

They left the bakery, secure in their masculinity, asexuality, and mission. Tierra Libre would be saved.

\---

Kyubey burst out of Snake’s stomach on the way, but he just went into the CURE menu and applied a cigar to his arm to get rid of leeches. Then he ate some bagels and was good as new.

\---

“Did you hear about the dog piloting the helicopter and how he beat that nuclear-powered F-14?” Rambo said as they swam underwater to the docking point of the Yamato. Which was flying.

“Yeah...what a good dog. I wouldn’t eat him, he’d probably taste bad anyway.” Snake laid a Fulton mine beneath them in the water and waited. A balloon exploded out and carried them up, up, directly into the Yamato! They grabbed onto the anchor and swung aboard, knocking out some weird guy in red overalls who jumped on a fish and went into space. 

The Yamato was big, and echoing. They snuck past a bunch of guards, with Rambo non-lethally knocking them out and Snake fultoning them back to Mother Base, where they could run and play soccer and eat delicious Paz-cooked meals. 

Suddenly, an ambush! They were pinned down by an international army of evil terrorists, surrounded on all sides! The bullets flew through the air, cutting into our heroes as they dived for cover. This was it, the thrill of battle, when Snake truly felt alive. He turned, getting out his pistol, ready to fight and bring down the terrorists -

When they were all gone. The only person left was that new recruit, Homuhomu, standing in the middle of what had been a massive firefight just a second ago. Snake stared.

“I’m here as back-up. Let’s go.” She declared, and headed off to the engine room.

“Back-up…” Snake and Rambo looked at each other, then shrugged. They always worked alone, so they followed her. 

Pretty soon they reached the engine room. Homuhomu looked around each each corner, testing for traps, while Snake crawled on the floor and Rambo took the ceiling. Finally, they were ready to blow the entire thing sky-high with Rambo’s explosive arrows, Snake’s C4, and Homuhomu’s nuclear bomb she had gotten from somewhere.

“Wait!” General Warhawk appeared before them! “You can’t destroy this ship!”

“And why not?” Homuhomu asked, brandishing her nuke threateningly. 

“Because this is the only ship that can make it to Iscandar to retrieve the cure for pollution on Earth! Listen, Tierra Libre is a beautiful country. It’s why you protect it. It’s why I want it. And with the cure from Iscandar, we can bring it to all the world! Then I can possess the beauty of the entire world!”

Rambo was in shock .Was that why General Warhawk had attacked, all this time? To go Iscandar? But then - He remembered the beauty of the Vietnamese jungles in an irresistible flashback to his time in ‘Nam, the beauty destroyed by war. If that could be saved-

“But I won’t let you do it!” Homuhomu shot Warhawk. “I’ll captain this ship to the stars!”

“But the mission! We have to complete the mission, to destroy the Yamato! Even if you’re one of my men, that’s going to far, Homuhomu!” Snake burst forward in a furious burst of CQC, one which somehow missed when Homuhomu appeared behind him and he ran straight into Rambo.

“Snake! Listen to me! We need to preserve the beauty of the Earth!” Rambo wrestled with Snake, grappling with the other man as they worked themselves into a frothing lather of bulging muscles and shiny skin. Snake fought back, snapping like a fish at the end of the line as they stumbled out to the deck.

“We have to complete our mission! Where is your loyalty? You….you’re just like her….this sacrifice….we should go down fighting! If we have to die, we’ll die fighting the Earth itself!” Snake threw himself and Rambo off the deck of the Yamato as Homuhomu grabbed the wheel and turned it to space - and Iscandar.


	2. THE ART

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE I DRAW ALL BY MYSELF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (art by fanboymaster)

**Author's Note:**

> I had to do this. I had to. You understand, don't you? DON'T YOU?
> 
> (consultations by fanboymaster and Romosome)


End file.
